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A TERÇA-FEIRA

E então amanheceu, um belo dia de sol de setembro. Já fiz muitos testes de farmácia durante todos esses anos de tentante, mas não sei porque, sempre tive medo do negativo e isso me bloqueava, me fazia hesitar e muito de fazer testes de gravidez a cada atraso menstrual que tinha.

E nesse dia, não seria diferente, mesmo com toda a ansiedade envolvida, o medo estava ali, presente, batendo, e se der negativo? Como será que vou reagir? Será que aguento mais um?

Não sei se essa é a maneira que tenho inconscientemente de me proteger do sofrimento, mas sou assim em vários aspectos da minha vida.

Enfim, criei coragem e fiz xixi no teste. Tremendo, observei atentamente se algo iria acontecer e um segundo palitinho apareceria.

E não, não apareceu!

Um mundo de esperanças cai por terra! Escrevendo agora, choro só de lembrar. É uma dor que só quem passa entende. Você se agarra com todas as suas forças àquela esperança de conseguir seu positivo, e ele não vem. Por que? Por que comigo? Por que não consigo? Será que fiz algo de errado? Será que não me cuidei direito? Será que foi minha culpa? Será? Será?

A sensação de impotência é tão grande, uma tristeza… parece algo tão solitário, um sofrer que não tem como dividir. O Hugo, ficou arrasado, mas quem sente tudo, somos nós mulheres, afinal, tudo acontece com a gente… e é por causa da gente que a gravidez não acontece, pelo menos era isso que eu pensava e me fazia sofrer ainda mais.

Mandei o negativo pro doutor, que ficou arrasado junto. Mas ao mesmo tempo, tentando nos colocar pra cima e não deixando que desanimássemos.

Mas como é difícil. Chorei a manhã toda. Não queria sair de casa, não queria trabalhar, não queria sair da cama. Só que a vida continua, e ninguém tinha que ver com nossos problemas!

Meu trabalho me esperava, as pessoas me esperavam, a VIDA me esperava!

Tive que erguer a cabeça, enxugar as lágrimas, colocar um sorriso no rosto, engolir meu luto e seguir, seguir a vida que me era proposta!

Mas a ferida, essa continua aberta, latente, a todo momento te lembrando que mais uma vez, o fracasso bateu à sua porta.

Muitas dúvidas pairavam na minha cabeça. Incomodei demais o Dr. Vinícius nos dias que se seguiram, mas muito mesmo, a todo momento ficava mandando áudios, mensagens, artigos e reportagens sobre FIV (sim, fiz isso) e ele, gentilmente e prontamente, me respondia e explicava as mesmas coisas incansavelmente!

Que pessoa, que médico!

Tinha mais 2 pinguis congelados, mas meu medo era de transferir e ter outro negativo. Queria investigar mais, tomar um milhão de medicamentos e gastar MUITO mais com isso… mas o Dr. Sempre dizia que aquilo poderia não fazer diferença nenhuma no resultado, só me faria gastar mais…

Quer saber mais? Se identifica com algum ponto desse post? Comenta aqui em baixo…

A história continua…

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